I think a touch of depression is setting in. I have so much to get done. The weather is absolutely beautiful. The pool is open. School is almost over (a reason for celebration not sadness for this mom, I love having my girls home and our time to ourselves again.) I joined a gym and am doing a decent job of going regularly. Plus I have a fabulous group of new friends thanks to joining the theater company. Yet I still feel the inextricable pull of depression.

First sign for me is total inertia. Even though I have so much work to do yet all I can manage to do is fulfill my etsy orders and then sit here on the computer all day playing stupid games on Facebook. When my depression starts to take hold I get almost autistic-like with my game playing focus. When I was pregnant for Sarah I played solitaire compulsively (this was before I had a computer and I would shuffle the cards over, and over, and over again until I almost wore them out.) Sometimes other activities will take the place of game playing. Occasionally it has been knitting. I even went to knitting group last week and cast on for a new cardigan. Sometimes it has been reading either real books or online. When I first discover the world of blogs and had a brief stint of depression, I sat and read celebrity gossip blogs for hours. I’m guessing that a therapist would probably call this a form of OCD. Why can’t I get OCD about cleaning my garage or weeding my flower beds? Oh wait, been there, done that.

I think one reason for this mini-depression (other than the obvious) is that from the end of March until last week I had a lot of things outside my control that I had to focus on. I had commitments and deadlines. I’ve been lucky with my depression that I’ve never been totally debilitated by it. I’ve never spent days or weeks in bed unable to meet my own and my family’s basic needs. I’ve come close and many times really wanted to just go and hide but I’ve always managed to pull myself out long enough to make a good appearance. How I manage to do this is to go totally inert and when I’m alone and then pull it together when they get home at the end of the day. The weekend was especially difficult because I was never alone and the stress of putting on a good face was really difficult. I also tend to go into autopilot. I just go through the motions of my normal routine with no real emotion or energy. I’d find myself driving down the road and realize I had no idea where or why I was going somewhere, then I’d remember my errand or which kid I was picking up from what activity.

For today and tomorrow I’m just focusing on one thing at a time. I’m taking a combination day-to-day and hour-to-hour approach. Yesterday I made myself call and make an appointment for Heidi at the groomer. I’ve been putting that off for months and I couldn’t ignore it any longer. Poor girl looked like a stray! Today I’m just making myself walk away from the computer every hour or so and just get one thing done. Unload the dishwasher, put in a load of laundry, take the Netflix to the mailbox, move a few boxes in the store room. Tomorrow I pay bills. I don’t look beyond tomorrow because then I just get overwhelmed.

Yesterday I picked up Shadow’s ashes from the vet’s office. The finality of that hit me really hard. I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do with them. Keeping them on display on the mantel seems morbid and creepy. Burying them is too final for me right now. A friend told me that she had a necklace made with a vial to hold some ashes after her dog died, I’m considering this but again, kind of creepy. Right now all I’m managing to do with them is hold the can and cry. This week has been harder than last week for some reason. Again probably because all the energy I needed to get through it all finally drained away.

I have 20 minutes now to pull my shit together and go pick up the girls. Emma has a busy week with tech week for the school musical, she is on the prop and make up crew. Sarah and I are trying to make it to the gym every day we can to work toward our fitness goals this summer. I’m also sure they’d like to eat dinner at some point. Once that is all accomplished, I’m going to lose myself in the American Idol final performances and that new show Glee on Fox.

This is how I handle stress and difficult times. I start purging stuff.

Since the move out of the store I’ve been kind of avoiding getting down to brass tacks and getting stuff back in some sort of order around here. I started it a few weeks ago but then everything started going to hell around here. I took a photo of the piles in my “store room” last week but my camera was having issues just like everything else around here and I lost the pic. I wanted to have a record of where I started from when I got it all done. I guess you’ll just have to believe me when I tell you it was an incredible mess!

Last week I did manage to sort and photograph a small selection of things to put on ebay. It was mainly rubber stamps and Sizzix stuff. Most of it sold, half of it has actually been paid for and shipped. It was a start.

I’ve come to realize that I have more paper and scrapbook craft stuff than I will ever use in 20 lifetimes. I know I won’t do any more hardcore scrapping again so it is just taking up valuable real estate. A lot of the miscellaneous stuff I’ve already sent to Goodwill. The more valuable, newer, and nicer stuff I’m trying to figure out what to do with now. After listing, selling, and shipping almost a dozen lots last week on ebay I’ve decided that it really isn’t worth the work for most of the small stuff. Occasionally I see a large lot of miscellaneous stuff go for big bucks but doubt mine would fit in that category.

So this is what I’m going to do. I’m going to put it here on my blog. If you are interested in any of it leave a comment or send me an email with an offer. I’ll figure out what shipping will cost (let me know your zip code or country. Yes, I’ll even ship to Canada and International!) and send you a PayPal invoice. I’ll probably even throw in some freebies too. Click on the thumbnail images to see a larger image.

 
Lot 1: Pearl Ex powders, Ranger Alcohol Inks, Walnut Ink, etc.

 
Lot 2: Assorted Embossing Powders, Glitters & Beads

  
Lot 3: Memory Makers Foam Stamps; Philadelphia Font Upper & Lower Case

 
Lot 4: Memory Makers Foam Stamps – Flowers

  
Lot 5: Memory Makers Foam Stamps – Flourishes & Floral

 
I had to say good-bye to my best friend today.
A month ago Shadow got a huge swelling lump on his neck. We thought it was an animal bite and he was on three weeks of antibiotics. It went away almost completely but last week it came back and he was gagging and vomiting. I took him in and they biopsied it and put him back on antibiotics. He was also x-rayed and it showed “haziness” in his chest and an inflamed spleen. He’s been getting progressively worse all week. Monday he had bloody vomit and quit eating. Yesterday he started collapsing. I got him to eat a little last night but he then had bloody diarrhea. This morning he collapsed again in the yard and I could tell he was miserable. I had my neighbor help me get him in the car and I took him in to the vet. The test results showed that it was an extremely rare malignant tumor on his salivary gland. There was nothing that could be done for him.

He’s at peace now. I’m not. Please indulge me while I remember what an awesome dog he was.

He came into our lives on Halloween 2001 as a rescue from CILRA. He was born and spent the first 6 months of his life in Indiana. The story we were told was that he was owned by a college student that didn’t have the time to give him the attention he needed. He was already crate trained and just wanted to be loved.

I took him to obedience classes and he loved it. But he was so attached to me that he couldn’t pass the sit-stays and down-stays because I was across the room and he just wanted to be at my side. He quickly learned to do what he was born to do, retrieve. I taught him to go out to the end of the driveway and get our newspaper in the morning. He loved that job so much that he decided he’d do it for the entire neighborhood. We’d wake up to 3 or 4 papers on our front step! One time when I was sick and slept in he went out the doggy door, over the fence, got the paper and returned the same way to bring me the paper in bed.

He came to us with the name Murphy but we didn’t think if suited him so we renamed him Shadow. It was the perfect name because he followed me everywhere like my shadow. If he was outside when I had to leave the house, he’d follow me. Numerous times I’d have to call the house to tell whoever was home to come to the end of the street and get him because he had followed my car. When we had our lake house he’d follow me when I took the kayak out. I finally just got him his own life vest and took him with me. People along the shore would point and comment on this funny dog paddling along side my kayak in perfect heel position. When I took him to the off leash dog park when all the other dogs were running ahead to greet other packs, he’d stop partway down the path, turn and look to me and only after I gave the okay would he go join in the fun. Even then, he’d soon return to my side where he was most happy.

A few years ago we had a scare when he was diagnosed with heartworm. It was at the same time that Heidi had to have emergency surgery for swallowing a ball of macrame twine. We nursed them both back to health and vowed to be more vigilant dog owners.
  
He was an old soul. He had such a mellow and sweet personality. He loved to cuddle. He’d wait for Steve to get up in the morning and then take his spot on the bed. When Steve was traveling he’d just take ownership of that side of the bed. Another part of his daily routine was to come into the bathroom when I was showering and sleep on the bath mat. I literally could not go anywhere in this house without him being a few steps away. Early on he started showing signs of separation anxiety and we would crate him when we left to help keep him calm. One time I was working on scrapbooks on my dining room table and had to leave quickly to go pick the girls up at school. I was only going to be gone maybe 10 minutes so I left him out. I returned to find paw prints on my latest layouts and other evidence that he had been standing on the table while I was gone! It was just his way of being near me in any way he could.

He will also be remembered as the stinkiest dog in the world! His farts could clear a room. One morning at the dog park he practically cleared the park with his incredibly noxious fumes! He found cat and deer poop to be a particular kind of delicacy but it didn’t agree with his digestive system and we all had to pay the price.

I can’t go without also mentioning the other heart break we experienced this week. Sarah’s cat Latte was killed by a wild animal Friday night. Our neighbors found him in the woods behind the pool on Saturday. We got him and his twin brother Leche from a local farm about 5 years ago. He was a huge white tom cat with gorgeous blue eyes. He would always sleep on my feet at night.
   
They will both be missed. I need a break from the heart break right now. I think I’ll go cuddle with Heidi, Leche and Ozzie.