My Eclectic Mess

I read this blog, of course I do, some of my friends think I should write it. But someone already beat me to the idea and the name so instead I will just write one post today about “who” I want to punch in the throat.

Today (and almost everyday) I want to punch Moms (okay, all parents, but for today’s lesson I will be referring mostly to Moms) who raise their daughters to think so low of themselves that the daughter will allow themselves to be treated like shit by boys just because any attention is better than no attention. These girls fall prey to boys who know how to play the sweet talking game and can spot an easy mark.

I have two teenage daughters and they tell me stories about girls at their school that curl my toes and make me want to go punch people in the throat. Girls with herpes because a scumbag guy convinced them that oral sex was “safe”. Girls getting grabbed and forcibly kissed in the hallway at school because they don’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him they aren’t “into him that way.” Not to mention the hidden victims that “disappear” for a term or year or more because they attempt suicide, get pregnant, have abortions, etc. These girls are the cutters, drinkers, druggies, but they are also the athletes, honor students, cheerleaders, church goers, Girl Scouts and they are all somebody’s daughter. They are trying to hide pain that they are feeling but don’t want anyone else to see.

But time and time again the one common denominator I see in these girls lives are parents that aren’t there for them. To tell them they are not just smart and beautiful but important and worthwhile. That having a boy like you isn’t the be all and end all of your life. That is what society has been telling these girls for generations, they need another message from home. From the people that, believe it or not, are the most important and influential people in their lives, their parents. As parents it is easy to fall into believing what we are told by the media, that by the time our daughters reach middle school, they don’t listen to us anymore and their friends, tv, movies and the internet are more influential. Bullshit. We only lose our influence and importance if we let it happen.

We stay relevant to them by staying involved. Talk to them everyday. Know who their friends are and ask about them and their lives. Keep current with what is going on in the  media and society. This doesn’t mean you have to be the “cool Mom” and dress like your daughter and hang out with her friends. Just know what they are talking about when they reference music, movies, memes and other social media things. Just don’t over do it and become that annoying “trying to be hip Mom”. Just take time to be genuinely interested and to listen. Also don’t push your daughter to be something or someone she isn’t or doesn’t want to be. If you were a dancer and gymnast but your daughter would rather be on the debate team, it’s okay. If you were a Rhodes Scholar but she is an artist and not much of an academic don’t make her feel stupid because she isn’t taking AP Calculus. If everyone else in your family is a dentist or a pediatrician but she is an outgoing, theater kid make sure she knows that it is okay and promise her that everyone will turn their pagers off when they come to see her perform.

But most importantly talk to them about things like sex, boys, drugs, drinking, etc. Sometimes I say I’m a good example to my daughters by being a bad example. When the topic has come up and my daughters were the appropriate age I was honest about these topics and how they affected my life both positively, but mostly negatively. I don’t think it will give them a free pass to do stupid things in their lives but it will give them the knowledge that if they do they can come to me and I will understand and not be judgmental. Let’s face it, as much as we’d like it, there is no way to keep our children from making mistakes. If there was they’d never learn to walk, drive, love, or grow up. Do I think my parents were bad parents or screwed up because I made a LOT of stupid choices in my young adult years? Not at all, quite the opposite, they gave me a great foundation to build on so when the rocky parts happened my life didn’t fall completely apart.

So to all those Moms out there who are blaming their daughters for ruining their lives because they never wanted to have children, and Dads who say rude and nasty things about their daughter’s bodies and make misogynistic remarks about women in front of their daughters, and parents that shelter their daughters from the realities of life so much that when faced with real life they can’t handle it, consider this your punch in the throat.  And to all the daughters of those parents, if you need a place to go to feel safe and loved, my door is open. I’ll only tease you for bad grammar.

A week ago today the girls went back to school. They are both in high school now, a freshman and a senior. To say it has been bittersweet for me would be an understatement. They are both so bright, creative, smart and beautiful it makes my heart explode with rainbows, glitter and unicorns. They are also growing up and the end is in sight which makes my heart implode with Smiths songs, pond scum and larva.

I was never one of those mothers that wanted to keep her kids little forever. Quite frankly, when they were able to feed themselves, sleep through the night (and now day), poop in a toilet and yes, even drive, I was very happy. I’m nothing if not a little lazy. I’ve always seen my job as a mother as that of preparing them to be independent, doesn’t mean I have to like it when it inevitably happens. It is also inevitable that there will be regrets. Looking back and wishing I had done things differently. Worrying that at times we are too close and at other times wishing we were more connected. Goes with the territory I guess.

There is also something else that happens in a mother/daughter relationship that rarely gets talked about, the breaking apart. I’ve asked many of my friends who have already gone through it if it happened to them and some have said yes and others no. But I think it is pretty common. What happens is that your daughter, when faced with burgeoning independence, goes all crazy and hurtful toward you. It happens. It has happened to me a couple times over the past few months. It is similar to the “I hate you” tantrums that happen during early adolescence, but for me it is deeper and more painful. This isn’t a big explosion of angry words, no, typically it is only a well placed put down, dismissive look or biting retort that ends up with me hiding in the bathroom wiping away tears and her going on as if nothing ever happened.  It signals that she is trying to find a way to breakaway and by hurting my feelings in some way it will be easier. Because she knows me in a way pretty much no one else does, she can cut to the quick much easier. But like the many summer thunderstorms we’ve had this year it passes as soon as it strikes, often leaving some kind of mess in its wake.

Christo on a Wheat Thin.

Wednesday is the first day of school for the new year. All Moms everywhere know what means. Shopping. Shoot me now. Or rather why didn’t someone shoot me on Sunday? Please.

Shopping with (or for) my girls is so hard. Don’t misunderstand, they aren’t whiners and don’t beg for inappropriate things that we can’t afford. Rather both of them are next to impossible to find clothing that fits them. And the problem is a matter of extremes.

If I had to name the biggest failure I’ve had as a mother it would be Sarah and her weight. I noticed very early on that she was getting chubby at about 6 or 7 years old. We were homeschooling at the time and I tried to find ways to incorporate more physical activity into our day. I also signed her up for soccer, dance and gymnastics at different times to try to meet both her social and physical needs. All to no avail. She inherited the family disdain for organized sports and group activities. As time went on and her size increased I tried different things at the same time trying to NOT make an issue of it all.

Growing up in the 70s and 80s in the era of after school specials and “very special episodes” of Family Ties and Blossom, I was hyper-aware of what negative implications might come from a mother obsessing about her daughter’s weight. I didn’t want her to have self-esteem issues and eating disorders. Instead I failed in the opposite direction. I figured she’d eventually decide it was time to do something about it and when she wanted to slim down I’d be there to help her in a positive and healthy way. And we’ve tried. Lord knows we’ve tried.

To add insult to injury Emma is tiny. She takes after my sister in law who was 115 pounds and had a 32 inch waist two weeks after giving birth to her first son. I know this because she was in my wedding party and I had to take her measurements to the seamstress who was making my bridesmaids’ dresses at the time. Emma is going into 7th grade and still can’t shop in the Junior’s Dept. I finally bought her one of those pathetic little padded bras because she was so depressed about never getting boobies. She is built somewhat like a gazelle or young thoroughbred. All legs and no curves. Many would envy her (I know her sister and I have our moments) but in reality it is as hard as the other extreme that is her sister. Her friends are getting bras because they need them and are getting their first periods and filling out bathing suits and cute sundresses in ways she may never get to do. She can only find clothes that really fit her (but are too short) with Jonas Bros. and Dora the Explorer emblazoned across them. She has a fierce sense of style and has a hard time being able to realize it.

Emma’s situation is easier on me as a Mom. She may grow, she will eventually go through puberty. It isn’t as hard on the psyche to be skinny in our society. Being a size 00 has its hardships but for the most part it is something that is looked at as a positive in our culture. I’m don’t agree with this but it is what it is. She can’t help or take credit for the genetic lottery she won.

Sarah’s situation on the other hand is something I struggle with on a daily basis. Days like today are particularly hard on both of us. It got to the point that we just gave up trying to find clothes around here. For a few years I made her most of her clothes. That was fine until the teen years hit and she wanted to wear what everyone else wore. Nobody wants to be the girl who wears clothes her Mom sewed for her! Then we found a few stores in the big mall an hour away that carried fashionable stuff in her size. Today even that was an epic FAIL. We did eventually find enough to get her by but I felt so defeated and I know she was pissed. On a positive note, she did find a beautiful dress for Homecoming. She looks so pretty in it but I know that she doesn’t feel as pretty as she really is and should feel at this age.

I can’t help but feel like it is my fault. I was responsible for the food in the house and what she ate. I didn’t make her exercise or stick with a sport. I kept telling her it was okay and she was fine when she clearly wasn’t. I wanted her to have a good self image. But instead I fed her a lie. Now it has gotten to the point where she has been in denial about it and it is affecting her health. I know she wants to fix it. I know it is serious and she won’t be able to do it alone. I also know it will take some serious tough love on my part to help her achieve what needs to be done. I’m not feeling up to it right now but I know I don’t have a choice.

Any resources or advice internet? Especially anything geared specifically toward teens?

**This post will probably be made “personal/private” very soon to try to preserve some semblance of dignity for my girls. I just have to put it out there for my sanity.